WELL, HELL. if Snooki and Tyra can get published then i sure can i mean how hard can it be to write a freaking fiction novel, obviously not hard at all, i'll just throw some glitter on the page and make that adverb sparkle and i'll be a millionaire in 5 days oh and honey, go ahead and book that vacay we don't have enough money to pay for and i'm pretty sure the kids won't have to go to community college and end up like Chevy Chase because i hear writers make huge money GOD WHY DIDN'T I LOOK INTO THIS PROFESSION SOONER
hm. so. yeah so we're pretty deep into this story, me and you, and you still don't seem to have a plot and you know, other people are kind of starting to talk? i'm hearing things around the blogosphere and maybe i wouldn't judge you so much, but apparently everyone ELSE thinks plots are really important? i mean don't get me wrong, i like you just the way you are and it's not like i'm trying to CHANGE you or anything, but maybe you should do a little more than just talk to your friends for 15 pages HEY HEY HEY LISTEN DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT -- I'M NOT TRYING TO PRESSURE YOU INTO ANYTHING I'M JUST SAYING I'M JUST -- IT'S -- THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS SAYING ABOUT YOU, NOT ME, IT WASN'T ME
listen, please, I'M BEGGING YOU, just talk to me, tell me what you need i'll do ANYTHING, i'll massage the knots in your conjunctions and rub aloe vera on your comma splices if you'll just TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME i don't understand why you're being so DIFFICULT, please, just send me a SIGN, show me what to do, how can you be so cruel what have i ever done to you WHY WOULD YOU MAKE A GROWN MAN CRY
you know what? i kind of hate you. why can't you be like all the other novels? why can't you be EASY? why is it that everyone else seems to have this all figured out and it's just YOU who refuses to cooperate? why do you INSIST ON BEING A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE WHY CAN'T YOU BE A NORMAL MANUSCRIPT? why do i feel like i'm the only one in the world who's struggling like this? is it even POSSIBLE? are you doing this on PURPOSE? WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU I FREAKING INVENTED YOU
well THANK GOD that's over. at least now we can part friends. i can read you and admire you from a distance, appreciating all the blood, sweat, and expletives we've shared over the course of this endeavor. you've really ripened into a fine-looking manuscript. i'm proud of you. i'm so happy you were able to finally come around and recognize your many, many faults. but the pain is behind us now. we can move on. NOW, AT LAST, our millions are within reach.
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO REVISE THIS MANUSCRIPT