4.24.2011

THE SIX PHASES OF WRITING A NOVEL

COCKINESS

WELL, HELL. if Snooki and Tyra can get published then i sure can i mean how hard can it be to write a freaking fiction novel, obviously not hard at all, i'll just throw some glitter on the page and make that adverb sparkle and i'll be a millionaire in 5 days oh and honey, go ahead and book that vacay we don't have enough money to pay for and i'm pretty sure the kids won't have to go to community college and end up like Chevy Chase because i hear writers make huge money GOD WHY DIDN'T I LOOK INTO THIS PROFESSION SOONER

CONFLICT

hm. so. yeah so we're pretty deep into this story, me and you, and you still don't seem to have a plot and you know, other people are kind of starting to talk? i'm hearing things around the blogosphere and maybe i wouldn't judge you so much, but apparently everyone ELSE thinks plots are really important? i mean don't get me wrong, i like you just the way you are and it's not like i'm trying to CHANGE you or anything, but maybe you should do a little more than just talk to your friends for 15 pages HEY HEY HEY LISTEN DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT -- I'M NOT TRYING TO PRESSURE YOU INTO ANYTHING I'M JUST SAYING I'M JUST -- IT'S -- THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS SAYING ABOUT YOU, NOT ME, IT WASN'T ME

SUBSERVIENCE

listen, please, I'M BEGGING YOU, just talk to me, tell me what you need i'll do ANYTHING, i'll massage the knots in your conjunctions and rub aloe vera on your comma splices if you'll just TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME i don't understand why you're being so DIFFICULT, please, just send me a SIGN, show me what to do, how can you be so cruel what have i ever done to you WHY WOULD YOU MAKE A GROWN MAN CRY

JEALOUSY

you know what? i kind of hate you. why can't you be like all the other novels? why can't you be EASY? why is it that everyone else seems to have this all figured out and it's just YOU who refuses to cooperate? why do you INSIST ON BEING A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE WHY CAN'T YOU BE A NORMAL MANUSCRIPT? why do i feel like i'm the only one in the world who's struggling like this? is it even POSSIBLE? are you doing this on PURPOSE? WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU I FREAKING INVENTED YOU

RELIEF

well THANK GOD that's over. at least now we can part friends. i can read you and admire you from a distance, appreciating all the blood, sweat, and expletives we've shared over the course of this endeavor. you've really ripened into a fine-looking manuscript. i'm proud of you. i'm so happy you were able to finally come around and recognize your many, many faults. but the pain is behind us now. we can move on. NOW, AT LAST, our millions are within reach.

HORROR

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO REVISE THIS MANUSCRIPT

25 comments:

Jen said...

So, so true! Thanks for making me laugh, Tahereh!

Em-Musing said...

HaHaHaHa! Only you can say it like that.

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

What about the "this is WAY TOO MUCH WORK AND I'M TOO LAZY TO DO IT" stage?

Misty Provencher said...

Only a writer could've written it.
Special snowflake...hahahahahaha...I've gotta remember that...

Claire Dawn said...

yes, that horror bit. :'(

BP said...

Haha Revissiooonnn! REVISION! :D LOL Love it! This is really so accurate, I wonder, is this how all aspiring authors feel? Probably with a few extra years of procrastination thrown in there for good measure...hmmm...yeah...

Tom M Franklin said...

there needs to be a "*Repeat far longer than you ever thought necessary" after HORROR.


-- Tom

Ishta Mercurio said...

TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN! Hahaha - excellent.

Bryan Russell (Ink) said...

DENIAL

what are you talking about? i never wrote a novel. don't be stupid. churned earth? what churned earth? no earth has been churned up in my backyard and i never borrowed your spade. why would you say something so crazy?

Christine Fonseca said...

BRILLIANT! That is all...

Lola Sharp said...

Hehehe. :)

I'm with Cathy...there's an avoidance stage in there.
Yanno, that phase where we whip out the big guns: Advance Procrastinating Techniques, where cabinets and closets get cleaned, color coordinated and alphabetized.

Fun post! :)
Huggles,
Lola

Caitlin Vincent said...

Oh my, that was hilarious :)

"I FREAKIN INVENTED YOU!"

lbdiamond said...

LOL! Yup, you pretty much nailed it. O_o

Ben said...

My life in a nutshelll

Brandy Heineman said...

*dies of truthiness*

~Sia McKye~ said...

I love it! Yep. I've been there. Revisions? *scream and run somewhere, anywhere from the book who is trying to drive me insane.

Bethany Mattingly said...

OMGosh! So true...sooo, so very true.

RJ Hipling said...

thanks for making my Monday :)

Bethany Elizabeth said...

hehe. Revise. So true. :)

ashelynn sanford said...

I feel like this every day. Except the cockiness part.

Timkanebooks said...

I love how you equate novel writing to Dr. frankenstein. Often it turns out just as bad. The novel resists control and soon the villagers storm your house with pitchforks and torches.

Julie Musil said...

Oh yeah, love hate :D

Callie Kingston said...

Funniest thing I've read all week, and so, so true! Just got past the Horror phase with one novel and while the query letters are still warm I'm boarding that roller coaster all over again. Argh . . .

Sarah Allen said...

Absolutely hilarious and absolutely true :)

Sarah Allen
(my creative writing blog)

Rissa Books said...

I like it, indeed. ^_^ What a crack up! XD

Related Posts with Thumbnails