2.08.2011

GUEST POST: How to Become BFF With Your Favorite Author

By: Maine Character

Stephen King would like you to believe that to have your favorite author over for dinner, all you have to do is live with an axe and a pig by a snow-covered road and wait for your chance. But the truth is, those days are over. In today’s world, you have to be proactive.

1) The best way to make an impression on an author is to prove you’re an author, too, so when you show up at their house, be sure to bring a neatly wrapped copy of your manuscript. Ring the bell, hold it up, and tell them, “It’s the bomb.” They might misunderstand you at first, but trust me – the two of you will be laughing over that story for years.

2) But what if their address isn’t listed, and they somehow lost you at the airport after the last convention? Well, that’s what e-mail is for. Just be sure to send them your manuscript in full, as an attachment, with the title of your work in capital letters: VAMPIRE VIRUS.

3) Authors are often hesitant about promoting their work, so never hesitate to do it for them. A good start would be to tell all the book clubs and reading groups within a hundred miles that the author is not only going to be doing a free workshop at your local library, but that they’ll be handing out copies of their books as well. Then e-mail the author your great idea and not to worry, you’ve got it all set up, with at least a thousand eager fans already pledging to show. They’ll be so impressed with your promotional skills, they won’t know what to say.

4) Some writers are able to get successful authors to write blurbs for their books before the books are published. Don’t settle for that. Send them your book before you even finish it. That way they’ll not only be dying to find out what happens next, but they’ll be sure to help you write it. And what better way for two writing buddies to work together than for them to invite you for a sleepover? Then they’re guaranteed to bring you on their next book tour ‘cause they’ve not only seen so much of your brilliance, but they know you’re great at backrubs.

5) Finally, if you happened to have named all six of your pigs after the author’s characters, do not tell the author. That will only mark you an amateur. To be truly noticed, you’ll have to have named all six of your children. Once you go that far, you can’t just switch your loyalty to some other author when they suddenly get famous (at least not without a lot of paperwork).

But if it does come to that, don’t be afraid to adapt to the times. And if Hermione’s friends don’t understand why she now has to be called Katniss, just move to another town. Like Forks.

Maine Character will be signing screenshots of his guest post at Mister Bagel on Tuesday night. He would like to thank his friends there, as well as Tahereh, for their good humor and encouragement, and would like his favorite authors to not be afraid of him if he should happen to send them a note.

27 comments:

Misha said...

Hahahahahahahaha I loved this. In particular, the bomb.

:-)

Josin L. McQuein said...

So that email notice from Mister Bagel about the MC restraining order is wrong?

Cool!

Jen said...

You forgot to mention how impressed they will be if you not only learn the names of all of their children, but turn up at their school one afternoon to drive them home!

Em-Musing said...

Dis post is da bomb!

RobynBradley said...

Em-Musing stole my line! :) Enjoyed the chuckles I had reading this with my morning coffee. Oh, and I'm watching you. ;)

Amanda Hoving said...

A writing buddy sleepover? Yes!

And, as someone who recently wrote a post called, "Matching Tattoos with Margaret (Atwood)" I really mean that. ;)

Fabulous post~

gideon 86 said...

Too funny,

A great way to start the day!

Michael

Tracey Neithercott said...

Now you tell me! I totally named all my pigs after my favorite author's characters and she was not so happy when I told her that. In her house. When I came through the window.

Hilarious post!

Liza said...

Thanks for the laugh!

Girl Friday said...

Nooooo, the penguin was facing NORTHWEST O.O

Stasia said...

You forgot hugging. Favorite authors love of a good, tight hug if you see them at a book signing :)

Matthew Rush said...

YES! Two of my favorite people working together. Awesome.

Jennifer Jackson said...

Funny! You forgot going through the author's garbage to find out all of the foods they like so you can show up and go "Surprise! I know just what to make you for lunch and to tell you not to be upset over your late credit card bill."

maine character said...

Thanks, everyone! And great ideas!

Now off to practice climbing through windows and hugging people with their garbage in my hand, their face tattooed on my arm, and their children in my station wagon. First impressions count so much!

Okie said...

fabulous advice...I'm off to start implementing each of your suggestions. I just hope it works. ;)

Marsha Sigman said...

Finally, someone gives me the info I need to be noticed by Stephen King! Whew hoo!!

Joann Swanson said...

So you're saying it's ok to stalk...erm, I mean JOIN...Stephen King at his favorite restaurant for an impromptu dinner, unfinished manuscript in hand? Holy permission, batman!!

A fabulous post from one of my favorite characters. ;) Wait, does this mean I'm stalking you now? Perhaps, my friend, perhaps...

::Mister Bagel map loading::

Heather Hellmann said...

Now I must go and rename my pigs!

Matthew Rush said...

I also want to ask whether the trend I notice here is purposeful. It seems to me that the last sentence of each of these points is like EPICALLY hilarious. It seems like I know someone else who is good at doing that ...

You're great at backrubs
They won't know what to say

Matthew Rush said...

Also:

Oh SNAP!! Stephen King is in this blog post?

(to be accompanied by a photo showing that Steve and Stephen are both equally handsome and live near Newfoundland, er - New Brunswick)

maine character said...

Joann – I’m sure Stephen King would be pleased to have you as an impromptu dinner guest. In fact, a friend once had dinner at his house, and King made a big show of dishing up the spaghetti like it was a scene out of a horror movie.

So go with that - clutch spaghetti to your gut like it's falling out of you and make gagging noises as you approach his table. He'll love it.

And yeah, good eye, Matt. When I started the piece I did indeed study Tahereh’s posts and learned from the best.

Bryan Russell (Ink) said...

Ha! And I always have this strange urge to visit New England after reading stuff by maine character...

Stina Lindenblatt said...

This was the best laugh I've had all day. :D

Ghenet said...

This was TOO funny!

thatcovergirl said...

OMG. HILARIOUS!

Julie Musil said...

This guest post was "the bomb." Awesome stuff.

Emy Shin said...

Oh! How did I not know this before?! Please excuse me while I run off to do all of your suggestions. At the same time.

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