Stephen King would like you to believe that to have your favorite author over for dinner, all you have to do is live with an axe and a pig by a snow-covered road and wait for your chance. But the truth is, those days are over. In today’s world, you have to be proactive.
1) The best way to make an impression on an author is to prove you’re an author, too, so when you show up at their house, be sure to bring a neatly wrapped copy of your manuscript. Ring the bell, hold it up, and tell them, “It’s the bomb.” They might misunderstand you at first, but trust me – the two of you will be laughing over that story for years.
2) But what if their address isn’t listed, and they somehow lost you at the airport after the last convention? Well, that’s what e-mail is for. Just be sure to send them your manuscript in full, as an attachment, with the title of your work in capital letters: VAMPIRE VIRUS.
3) Authors are often hesitant about promoting their work, so never hesitate to do it for them. A good start would be to tell all the book clubs and reading groups within a hundred miles that the author is not only going to be doing a free workshop at your local library, but that they’ll be handing out copies of their books as well. Then e-mail the author your great idea and not to worry, you’ve got it all set up, with at least a thousand eager fans already pledging to show. They’ll be so impressed with your promotional skills, they won’t know what to say.
4) Some writers are able to get successful authors to write blurbs for their books before the books are published. Don’t settle for that. Send them your book before you even finish it. That way they’ll not only be dying to find out what happens next, but they’ll be sure to help you write it. And what better way for two writing buddies to work together than for them to invite you for a sleepover? Then they’re guaranteed to bring you on their next book tour ‘cause they’ve not only seen so much of your brilliance, but they know you’re great at backrubs.
5) Finally, if you happened to have named all six of your pigs after the author’s characters, do not tell the author. That will only mark you an amateur. To be truly noticed, you’ll have to have named all six of your children. Once you go that far, you can’t just switch your loyalty to some other author when they suddenly get famous (at least not without a lot of paperwork).
But if it does come to that, don’t be afraid to adapt to the times. And if Hermione’s friends don’t understand why she now has to be called Katniss, just move to another town. Like Forks.
Maine Character will be signing screenshots of his guest post at Mister Bagel on Tuesday night. He would like to thank his friends there, as well as Tahereh, for their good humor and encouragement, and would like his favorite authors to not be afraid of him if he should happen to send them a note.