1.30.2011

HOBBITS ARE RACIST

happy monday everyone!

SO I FOUND RACIST HOBBITS THIS WEEKEND.

yes, that's right. hobbits! racist! @tanagandhi & @razberry28 and i were strolling along rather innocently, searching for a place to eat, when LO AND BEHOLD, we come upon a restaurant called The Hobbit. color us intrigued, dear friends. COLOR US INTRIGUED. we decided we would give The Hobbit a chance. we decided we would DINE at The Hobbit. we decided we would give The Hobbit our hard-earned monies in exchange for the satiation of our hunger!

AND YET! WE COULDN'T FIND A WAY INSIDE.

The Hobbit had a very distinct (and rather beautiful) entryway -- secluded, covered in vines, stained glass windows and a set of very deep, dark wood doors. business hours stated that The Hobbit was open for hungry travelers! but, alas, the doors were sealed shut. there was a piece of paper taped to the adjacent brick wall that said the main entrance was around back, and that we should "Ring the bell for assistance."

BUT THERE WAS NO BACK ENTRANCE TO BE FOUND.

we rounded and rounded the building to no avail until we noticed small, crumbly looking windows (PERFECT FOR SMALL, CRUMBLY HOBBITS!) and one tiny-looking door (PERFECT FOR TINY-LOOKING HOBBITS!) about an inch from the ground, smudged with dirt and decay. and upon closer inspection? we noticed a pair of storm cellar doors surrounded by dead shrubbery, seemingly useless and entirely clamped shut. the doors were half-covered by an old sign with the words "The Hobbit" emblazoned across the wooden plank. 

we assumed this was the back entrance the earlier note was referring to.
AND THEN WE RAN FOR OUR LIVES.

upon reflection, we discovered three things:
1. Hobbits definitely exist.
2. Hobbits are the sketchiest creatures ever.
3. HOBBITS ARE TOTALLY RACIST on account of their not allowing regular human-sized people into their restaurants, and also because of this:

actual photo taken with actual camera not belonging to a hobbit.
ahem.

how was YOUR weekend?

------

UPDATE: i kid you not, dear friends, WITHIN MINUTES of me posting this? someone from New Zealand (NEW ZEALAND IS TOTES HOBBIT COUNTRY, JUST FYI) searched keywords "The Hobbit" and came across my blog. if this isn't proof that hobbits are now watching and tracking my every move, i don't know what is.

evidence: 


27 comments:

SM Schmidt said...

Is it possible The Hobbit was out of business?!

Otherwise shame on those racist little folk!

Book Owl said...

Oh my gosh. Are you kidding? That's so weird and funny and kinda creepy. I almost want to go to wherever that place is just to see it! Haha, what a story to tell!

Shrinky said...

Cue spooky music! That photo is priceless, thanks for making me chuckle.

Bee said...

This land we live in is getting stranger still. Ah, hobbits!

Mia Hayson said...

OMG. They totally are watching you. We should establish a code word should they take you captive!

Hannah said...

Wicked! You're being Hobbit-stalked. Watch out for furry feet!

But, seriously? How cool is it that you found a restaurant (closed or not) called The Hobbit?

Girl Friday said...

Ohhh, that reminds me about an amazing Hobbit-themed bar I once went to in Asia, am going to have to blog about it and post pictures! It is AWESOME.

Em-Musing said...

You've got hobbits stalking you...and I've got the universe and feathers.EEEEEK!

Theresa Milstein said...

I wish I'd read the book you're eluding to because I'd probably laugh even more.

How was my weekend? I got longlisted for 100 Stories for Queensland, but I didn't really understand what longlisted meant, so I thought I was in the book, so I blabbed about it. But thanks to another writer who is smarter than me, I now know there are 130+ people on the list, which will be whittled to 100 authors.

So I experienced a number of emotions: elation, confusion, shame.

Tracey Neithercott said...

Ha ha ha ha! It's all because you finally watched Lord of the Rings. I hear they leave the unknowing alone.

Bryan Russell (Ink) said...

The one good thing, I hear, is that they allow smoking inside. But only if it's a pipe.

Heather Hellmann said...

Those dang hobbits with their fuzzy feet and short stature! How dare they keep you from eating lunch!

Lindsay said...

Ooh, the naughty little hobbits.

Claudie A. said...

There's a restaurant in Old Quebec called The Hobbit, too. Shame on me, I never went there. Sounds like it saved my life.

Michael Offutt said...

There's a place in SLC called Hobbitville. It's a place where only little people live and everything is sized for them. Kids go through there I guess and cause a lot of trouble as witnessed in this link:
http://wn.com/Hobbitville,_Utah

Laura Marcella said...

On the way to one of our favorite restaurants, my husband and I drive on a quiet road with few houses and plenty of grassy hills. One of the hills has a tiny door set in it. I've always been convinced a hobbit or hobbits live there and want to stop and explore the area for other little doors much to my husband's amusement/exasperation. NOW I KNOW IT IS TRUE!!! If hobbits exist where you are, they must exist all over. Thanks for this proof. I can't wait to obnoxiously say to my hubby I TOLD YOU SO!

Tana said...

hehehe it was quite eerie that we weren't able to get in!

Your labels are also very funny.

"No seriously, oh snaps"!!!!!

Sierra Godfrey said...

Would they be species-ist rather than race-ist?

And, in true anti-racism spirit, is it not inappropriate to label ALL Hobbits racist, as suggested by your title? Doesn't that lead to further racism and hatred? I am sure there are non-racist Hobbits out there, happily living peacefully and lovingly among humans, like in Hoboken NJ or somewhere.

Hannah Kincade said...

you better watch out. They're everywhere...

Krispy said...

This is both creepy and hilarious. I want to see this place now.

HowLynnTime said...

You did the right thing.

Hobbits are very fond of wild mushrooms and that can be very dangerous eating. Also, they may have simply been resetting for the hour between second breakfast and first lunch, but who in the world wants to wait that long to eat.

I am a little worried there may be some code violations involved, they don't wear shoes, and there are those humans who frown on that. One must wear shoes at all times in human eateries, so they may be unable to accomodate the silly laws that we tend to be enforcie about.

They also insist on smoking pipes after meals and it is getting harder all the time to get around the new smoking-nazi rules. It was probably easier to ban humans then deal with our need to control all air.

So, you may be glad you ran, for if the pipe smoke and possible food poisoning had not gotten you, the footy smells may have turned your tummy.

It may be more an issue of lost freedom, than simple race relations.

Cory Jackson said...

I used to live in Orange County near the Orange Circle. The food at the Hobbit is SO good. If you can set aside the whole Hobbit racism thing.

Amber Cuadra said...

Well, as a hobbit, I can tell you we certainly do exist. Those must have been some rather grumpy hobbits though, because most of us are very nice and not-racist. And all of us nice ones love sharing meals with people of all kinds. :)

Marsha Sigman said...

I knew it!!!

Lisa Gail Green said...

Don't diss the Hobbits! They clearly expected you to have a shrinking potion in order to enter the restaurant.

Hanny said...

Hobbits are notorious for being racist. Landowners with lots of pipeweed fields and no love of foreign food. That's really why Sam hated Gollum. He's a racist! I'm just surprised that their cloaks weren't white with hoods.

Victoria Dixon said...

Ah, now, I thought this was really some post about Tolkien's proclivities in regards to race. Sigh. I was curious as I do have some questions on the subject. Ah, well. That said, did you know there's a Hobbit restaurant in Reston, close to Washington D.C., my nation's capital city... Makes you wonder if they're EVERYWHERE. Don't know if that one's "closed" or not.

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