7.25.2010

WHY I LOVE STEPHENIE MEYER

i was 21.
it was April.
it was April and i was graduating in May and i was a snob, and this part is important.

i was attending a small global-minded university serving Kantian ethics for breakfast, the Bhagavad-Gita for lunch, and Natsume Soseki for dinner. i studied the greatest authors, the greatest poets, the greatest stories in history. i spoke different languages, studied different languages, traveled around the world and fancied myself intelligent.

because i was so fancy, you see.

it was my last semester of college and i was taking six classes just because i felt like it. i liked books and i liked critical theory and i was working on my senior thesis. i was dissecting The Tale of Genji and Pride & Prejudice and creating an entirely unique argument for two of the worlds' greatest female authors in history and my oh my I WAS SO VERY PLEASED WITH MYSELF.

i was going to be a fancy fancy intellectual oh so fancyyyyyy mmmmmmmm

"have you seen Twilight?" my friends said to me.
"vampires? that sounds ridiculous," is what i said to them.
"have you seen Twilight?" my brother asked of me.
"i can't believe you would see it," is what i said to him.

who cares about Stephenie Meyer when there is Murasaki Shikibu?
who cares about Vampires when i have Dostoevsky sitting on my bookshelf?
WHO CARES ABOUT THIS NONSENSE WHEN NOTHING WILL EVER BE AS GREAT AS HARRY POTTER?

"here is the book," my brother said to me.
"no thanks," i said so politely.
"just take it," he insisted.
"i don't want it!" is what i exclaimed.

it was 7pm.
i remember because i kept looking at the clock.
i had 30 pages left to write and research and edit edit edit for my thesis and i was itching to procrastinate. that book had been sitting on my desk for a few weeks now. i'd only taken it from my brother on account of his insistence, and because i didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him how embarrassing the whole thing was. how offensive, really, that i could even contemplate reading a book like that. but at 7pm that Friday night anything was better than staring at my computer screen for the 549th time.

so i read it.
and i never recovered.

i had to read her book to realize i was wrong about what i wanted to do for the rest of my life.

say what you will about Twilight, good and bad and in between, but Twilight has changed the landscape of the publishing world forever. Stephenie Meyer is responsible for breaking down a million walls in the Young Adult world. she's the reason teens are devouring books again, she's the reason Young Adult authors have a fighting chance, and she's the reason why so many of us started writing.

whether you read it and thought, "OMG IF THIS COULD GET PUBLISHED, WELLLLL, LOLOLOLOL"
or if you thought, "WHAT AN INSPIRATION I WANT TO DO THIS, TOO"

it doesn't matter.

Stephenie Meyer is the reason people are paying attention to our books these days, and for that, i can't help but say thank you.

i make jokes about glittering werevampires and volvos made of diamonds, but at the end of the day i owe Stephenie Meyer a hug and a lot of gratitude. because people like her are getting kids in libraries and bookstores. people like her are getting adolescents to save their money to buy books instead of something worse. people like her are giving US the opportunity to have a voice in the industry.

so to every Young Adult author who's given the YA world a fighting chance?

i just wanted to say thank you.

so much.

7.14.2010

Querypolitan Presents: MATH HATES WRITERS

If you've ever found yourself struggling to solve simple mathematical equations, DON'T WORRY. You're probably just a writer. The world makes us feels stupid and inept, but the truth is our abilities are far more complex than anyone with a bucket full of numbers could ever understand. Sadly, the world's general incapacity to grasp our Genius means we're usually stuck in situations like these:

Lay Person: “Hey what’s 61 minus 15?”

Writer: suddenly deaf and fascinated by dust motes.

Lay Person: "HEY! WHAT'S 61 MINUS 15???"

Writer: EXPLETIVE 

Lay Person: impatient.

Writer: glances at fingers. “look, i only have TEN OF THESE. What do you want me to do with them?” 

OR

Lay Person: "I need to buy 16 of each."

Writer: "Er. Right. So that's a total of... uh.."

Lay Person: blinks. incredulous.

Writer: "...carry the 5... and.. put the extra number on top of the other one... and then..." counts fingers.

Lay Person: "32. The answer is THIRTY-TWO."

Writer: "WAIT THERE'S A CALCULATOR ON MY PHONE!"

OR

Lay Person: “Hey what do you think of this shirt?”

Writer: “ZOMG GORGE LOVE IT YOU SHOULD TOTES BUY IT LOOOOVE”

Lay Person: “Awesome! And it’s 30% off!”

Writer: expletive

Lay Person: “How much is 30% off of $44.99?”

Writer: “THAT IS THE FUGLIEST SHIRT I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE nevermind let’s go to a store where everything is FULL PRICE.”

If you look closely, you’ll notice that it’s always the Lay Person who provokes the Mathematical questions. THIS IS BECAUSE THEY ARE JEALOUS OF YOUR MAD AUTHOR SKILLZ. They’re trying to trick you into screwing up because they know that writers have no skill set when it comes to numbers. I mean THINK ABOUT IT: Why are they always asking YOU to solve these complicated math problems, hmmmmm? Why can't they solve these issues on their OWN? <-- IRREFUTABLE PROOF.

In truth, these are the only numbers we care about:

  1. Word count
  2. Blog comments
  3. Blog followers
  4. Twitter followers
  5. Blog comments
  6. Blog comments
  7. Page views
  8. Agent offers
  9. Book deals
  10. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
In fact, number ten may include an infinite amount of numbers and we will never ever complain. Just don’t try to make us understand numbers for anything else.

So the next time someone tries to trick you into using math, consider these options:

  1. Screaming. Always an excellent distraction.
  2. Kicking. Anything. Or anyone, for that matter.
  3. Singing Lady Gaga. Once people start dancing, no one will be thinking about math.
  4. Speaking another language. Not only will this confuse the Lay Person, but it will further prove your Genius.
  5. Lying. Just throw a number out there. If they say you’re wrong, start crying. I promise this will stop the Lay People from ever asking you to do math again.
  6. Writing a blog post about it. This will help generate sympathy from your Esteemed Colleagues as well as provide you with a healthy platform for the exision of numbers from your vocabulary. Minus, of course, the numbers with which you’ll use to order lists. 

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