IN THIS FABULOUSLY AMAZING INTERVIEW.
You might know Mr. Bransford as The Man With the Orange Blog. You might know him as That Guy Whose Email Inbox Dings So Many Times in the Same Minute It Sounds Like Someone Planted a Car Alarm in His Computer. You might even know him as that guy who was like, KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE #$Q@%$@^ RHETORICAL QUESTIONS, OKAY QUERY-PEOPLE? except he probably said it a lot nicer than that.
Because Mr. Bransford is a nice guy.
His blog is one of THE MOST comprehensive sources of literary wonderment on the interwebs. Not only can you cruise by to learn how to format your query letter, read professional critiques, brush up on the publishing biz and discover new ways to use your E-reader, but Nathan Bransford will keep you up-to-date on even more important things, like
- Where in the world is Heidi Montag?
- Wait, who in the hell is Heidi Montag?
- SHUTUP THEY DID WHAT ON LOST??
- No, really, you can just put your Kindle in a Ziploc bag and TADA! Shower-proof!
- SUPER important publishing-speak, like, "Sweet, my answer is get out of my car." (Which is quite possibly one of my FAVORITE blog-posts, ever, of all-time, ever.)
basically, if you don't know who Nathan Bransford is, you are seriously missing out. definitely send him a query letter, RIGHT NOW. (maybe open with a rhetorical question?) because he is a LITERARY AGENT who is single-handedly taking over the world.
now, i'm sure you're all eager to fill his inbox with query-goodness but WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
AN INTERVIEW WITH HIS PERSON!
ahem ahem.
(my comments are in red.)
1. Full name? Place of birth? Earliest childhood memory?
I’m actually hoping to keep my full name off the Internet. Does this make me paranoid or merely sensible? (sensible! natch.)
Place of birth: Colusa, California. Never heard of it? (nope.) Yeah.
Earliest memory: When I was about two-years-old I was a very sickly kid and I had to stay for a while in the hospital in San Francisco. The zoo brought some animals to entertain us, and there was an iguana that I thought was basically the coolest thing ever. I know people say you’re too young at two-years-old to remember stuff, but THAT IGUANA WAS FREAKING AWESOME. Blew my mind.
2. Who's your favorite fictional character, and why?
So many to choose from, but I’d have to go with Ahab from MOBY-DICK for being so awesomely insane.
(AHAB?!) (BUT HE WOULD EAT YOU FOR BREAKFAST, NATHAN!) (run!)
(AHAB?!) (BUT HE WOULD EAT YOU FOR BREAKFAST, NATHAN!) (run!)
3. What kind of shoes are you wearing?
White and orange Nike sneakers. I swear not everything I own is orange. Just most everything.
4. When/how/why did you make the transition from agent to writer?
I wouldn’t say that I have actually made a transition from agent to writer as I spend way way way more time agenting than writing and thus feel like I am way way way more an agent than a writer. But basically a couple of years ago I had an idea for a novel that I was very excited about, and so I took the time and went and wrote it. That novel didn’t work out, but the next one did!
(YAY!) (also, notice the HOPE, besties! if at first you don't succeed??) (yes, mm hmm, buy orange Nikes & try try again!)
(YAY!) (also, notice the HOPE, besties! if at first you don't succeed??) (yes, mm hmm, buy orange Nikes & try try again!)
5. Do you think it's better to have a good concept or strong writing? Why or why not?
I don’t see this as an either/or thing because you definitely need both.
6. Bad habits?
Evasiveness.
(ahem.) (touché Mr. Bransford. touché.)
7. Before you go to bed at night, you're thinking:
A. IF I GET ONE MORE QUERY LETTER I WILL BREAK SOMEONE.
B. Ooh! Dear Wife, did you hear that? That was the lovely chime of a QUERY LETTER RINGING IN MY EARDRUMS! Delight!
C. DAMMIT HEIDI, why'd you have to ruin The Hills for everyone?!
D. OTHER: ____________________.
D. OTHER: Holy crap I’m tired.
(TOLD YOU HE SAID CRAP!)
8. Complete this sentence:
I really need to fix my _____________________.
...wife dinner since it’s my week to cook.
(hidden talents!) (a secret sous-chef, perhaps?!)
9. When people send me queries with rhetorical questions my first instinct is to:
A. Scream.
B. Eat a lot of chocolate.
C. Shake my fist at the world.
D. DELETE.
C. Shake my fist at the world.
10. Favorite food you've ever eaten, EVER?
I ate at The French Laundry one time and every course was basically the best thing I’ve ever tasted in my life.
11. QUICK! Pitch JACOB WONDERBAR AND THE COSMIC SPACE KAPOW (which will be published by Dial Books for Young Readers in 2011) in three sentences or less!
Jacob Wonderbar trades a corndog for a sassy spaceship and blasts off into space with his best friends, Sarah and Dexter. After they accidentally break the universe in a giant space kapow, a nefarious space pirate named Mick Cracken maroons Jacob and Dexter on a tiny planet that smells like burp breath. They have to work together to make it back to their street on Earth where all the houses look the same.
(um. no lie, this sounds like the coolest book i ever wish i'd written. i'd trade a corndog for a sassy spaceship ANYDAY. MAYBE TODAY, in fact.)
12. One thing we'd never guess about you?
I took piano lessons for thirteen years. Then again maybe you would guess that.
(i, uh, never would've guessed that.) (do you have piano-hands?)
13. Two things you wish we knew about you?
1) I love Disneyland in a wholehearted, un-ironic fashion. That place is magical, people.
(Disneyland FTW! EAT THAT BAUDRILLARD.)
2) I have an uncanny talent for catching things before they hit the ground, kind of like in “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.” I should really be working in a museum or tea shop.
14. Complete this sentence:
Right now I have _________(number) emails in my _________(adjective) inbox.
Right now I have 17 no 18 no 19 emails in my insatiable inbox.
15. Favorite thing about your job?
Helping authors make their dreams come true.
(SQUEE)
16. Check ('X') the most suitable answers. You may choose more than one:
__ Team Edward
__ Team Jacob
_X_ Team JACOB WONDERBAR, SUCKAAAA
All due respect to the chiseled nonhumans, but I have to go with my man Wonderbar, who would come up with a prank that would leave Edward and Other Jacob in tears.
(*FIST-PUMP*)
17. After reading Tahereh's blog every single morning without fail, the next best blog I read is:
Tahereh’s again as I re-read it to savor the brilliance, all the while lamenting that I can never again recapture the experience of reading the post for the first time.
(I DIDN’T EVEN PAY HIM TO SAY THESE THINGS, BESTIES, I SWEAR.)
18. Your favorite quote?
It takes a smart man to know he’s stupid.
19. Your high school voted you most likely to:
I don’t remember what it was called exactly but it’s the one where they throw the nerd a bone to make them feel better about how they studied all the time.
(MMM YEA, i remember that. they voted you mostly likely to break the universe by accident. remember? they used to call you Jacob Wonderbar for short.)
20. If you could meet any superhero ever, who would you meet, and why?
Does Marvin the Paranoid Android count?
(did you just make that up??)***
BONUS QUESTION:
21. How do you feel about rhetorical questions?
[Resists the trap]
(HE OUTSMARTED ME!) (*shakes fist at world*)
---
impressed?? intrigued??
ARE YOUR QUERY SENSES TINGLING?!
CLICK HERE to be transported to a place just as magical & unexpectedly delightful as Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory! (BUT DON'T EAT THE WALLPAPER.) (if you look closely, you'll notice the Oompa Loompa's have faded into the background!)
BUT BEFORE YOU GO!
tell me, besties, what kind of shoes are YOU wearing today??
<333
***THIS WAS A JOKE! don't worry! i'd have to be cut off from society not to know about the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. (but thanks for your concern!)
P.S. ABOUT THE CONTEST RESULTS!! hang tight, loves! i'll be announcing winners in pieces -- i'll probably need the weekend to sort through all the entries because i don't want to make a hasty decision. (after all, you put so much time into your submissions! i want to spend some time reading and rereading everything.) BUT! i will announce the WINNING NUMBER this Friday! stay tuned :D
