11.28.2010

THE 11 STAGES OF EDITING A NOVEL

CONFIDENCE. 

This manuscript is better than sliced bread. It's better than your mom's breaded chicken. It's better than that one time in Disneyland except this time no one is getting arrested.
BRING IT ON, BETAS. YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS.

RELUCTANCE.


WELL! YOU OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T READ THIS MANUSCRIPT AT ALL BECAUSE IF YOU DID YOU WOULDN'T BE SO CONFUSED AND YOU'D GET WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE STORY AND YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND ALL THE REFERENCES TO DRACO MALFOY FANFICTION AND OF COURSE THAT SCENE WITH THE SNOW LEOPARD NEEDS TO STAY IN THE STORY WHEN IT'S SO FREAKING CRITICAL TO THE PLOT WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND MY GENIUSSSSSSSSSSSSS

ACCEPTANCE.


Maybe you were right about everything.

DILIGENCE.


OH GOD THESE EDITS ARE AMAZING I'M GOING TO POLISH THIS MANUSCRIPT UNTIL IT SHINES BRIGHTER THAN YOUR UNCLE JOHNNY'S BALD SPOT. HOLY CRAP. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST. MANUSCRIPT. EVER.

INCOMPETENCE.


I LIED. I can't do this. I'm obviously the world's WORST WRITER EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WRITTEN WORD OH DEAR GOD I'M GOING TO VOMIT EVERYWHERE NOW I'LL NEVER GET TO MEET OPRAH AND WHAT WILL BECOME OF ME THEN? WHAT WILL BECOME OF ME THEN?!

PERSEVERANCE.


THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, MISS SNARK! BY GOD! I WILL MAKE YOU AND KILLER YAPP PROUD!

INDULGENCE.


fifteen pumpkin pies and twenty-six bars of chocolate should keep me on track.

REASSURANCE.


you, emailing friend:
I CAN'T DO THIS I REALLY CAN'T DO THIS I'M GOING TO DIE AND PROBABLY VOMIT A LOT AND HHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

friend, emailing you:
STOP BEING NEUROTIC YOU LITTLE FRUITBAT

RESURGENCE.


HOW DID I NOT KNOW I WAS CAPABLE OF SO MUCH AWESOME? THAT WAS THE BEST DANGLING PARTICIPLE I'VE EVER CRAFTED IN MY LIFE

DOMINANCE.


OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I'M REALLY GOING TO DO THIS OH MY GOD

EXCELLENCE.


that's right. i AM a BAMF. Manuscript? You have just been PWNED.


20 comments:

Dianne K. Salerni said...

SIGH. I am currently at:

Incompetence.

Hoping to move past that stage tomorrow.

maine character said...

You are capable of so much awesome.

(For a neurotic little fruitbat.)

Krispy said...

That gif is so appropriate. I look forward to the day when I can do that.

Meagan Spooner said...

I have actually had the Reassurance conversation, more or less exactly.

I may or may not have been on the fruitbat end of things .__.

Christine Danek said...

I love this. I'm getting the reassurance right now. I did the indulgence which may happen again today. :)
Have a great day!

Jen Daiker said...

You have a gift. Though I'm not a fan of your honesty I know I'll eventually accept it. Right now I'm in denial.

Laura Maylene said...

So glad that I'm not the only one who gets the urge to vomit everywhere during the writing process!

Frankie Diane Mallis said...

HAHAHA! This is EXACTLY what my emotions were for the last 30 days down to every single thing you said in that order--although I haven't quite mastered the feeling of excellence! Love this!

Colene Murphy said...

Nailed it, as usual!

Lydia Sharp said...

giving you the biggest e-hug evah

Dorothy Dreyer said...

I'm currently between the Acceptance stage and the Diligence stage.

Okay, I lied. I'm nowhere near the Diligence stage because I haven't opened my doc in a week. I guess I'm at the "I dread opening this because I know there are so many changes I have to make" stage.

*le sigh*

Katie Kerr said...

Bwahaha! This was brilliant! And for the record, I'm about in stage three, Acceptance, with editing my first screenplay. It's good to know there's a few more ups to go with the downs in the future. =D

Jennifer Jackson said...

Any tips for not gauging the soul out of your story when you're operating on it?

Melanie said...

Umm...have you been possessing my body and reading my thoughts again?

:-)

Kelly said...

I'll be at those stages soon!
And your Oh snap! has made me smile every time I saw it in my blogger dashboard today!

Chris V. said...

Great stuff! Well still writing, though, can't resist "editing" as I go along. So let's call it perserverance at this point... haaa!

Julia King said...

My thoughts EXACTLY. Especially the Incompetence part. Argh, but my manuscript is the best thing since sliced bread (Confidence).

Kiara said...

I love this.

You've captured the editing process perfectly. We've all had those moments where we think our novel is the best thing in the world, and times when we want to hide in a hole and cry, we think it's that bad.

But there is an end. Eventually. Even if it takes digging out of the hole to do it.

Great post!

Jordan Butcher said...

Great post! I absolutely love how you put everything and very simply, got your point across.

Danielle Romero said...

Kindof obsessed with your blog, stumbled upon a review of one of your books and found the link to here. Yay! Can't wait to open up your books and give em a try
-Danielle @ Coffee and Characters
www.daniellecromero.blogspot.com

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