1. Wake up in the morning and check your email.
2. Greet your Significant Other/Cat/Dog/Armadillo.
3. Check your email again and then IMMEDIATELY refresh your inbox just in case you missed something.
4. Refresh one more time just to be absolutely sure!
5. Step away from your email for a moment only to glance back right before the screen is out of sight. You can never be too sure.
6. THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD SOMETHING THAT SOUNDED LIKE A PING AND RUN BACK TO YOUR EMAIL!
8. Remember that your trusty Smart-Phone-of-Choice also houses your email!
9. Refresh Refresh Refresh.
10. Remember that you have to go to work.
11. Reluctantly step away from your inbox to change but run back every few seconds just to check.
12. AN EMAIL OMG I ONLY STEPPED AWAY FOR A SECOND AND THERE IT IS!!
13. Gleefully open email!
14. DAMN YOU BORDERS IF YOU SEND ME ONE MORE EMAIL ABOUT THO-- Oh! It's a coupon! BUT STILL WHAT THE HELL BORDERS STOP TEASING ME.
15. Duck out remorsefully to brush your teeth or somesuch.
16. Realize you need to use the bathroom but consider abstaining so you may stay closer to your inbox.
17. Compromise by convincing yourself something magical will appear in your inbox during your absence.
18. Busy yourself with thoughts of MAGICAL emails appearing in your inbox whilst in a state of being-in-the-bathroom.
19. RUN BACK TO YOUR INBOX because it's been a WHOLE 5 MINUTES YES YOU COUNTED and expect to find yourself completely overwhelmed by the full requests/agent offers/book deals/free money/etc. that have been waiting ALL THIS TIME for the exact moment you take a 5-minute bathroom break to appear in your inbox. TRICKSY INBOX!
20. Feel your hopes and dreams COMPLETELY shattered because you built such high expectations for your return from the bathroom.
21. Click on the one email in your inbox.
22. It's from THIS GUY.
23. Consider breaking your computer.
24. DRIVE TO WORK AND THINK OF NOTHING BUT YOUR INBOX.
25. MENTALLY REFRESH YOUR INBOX.
26. Realize you've arrived at work and haven't checked your inbox ONCE, so surely there are hundreds waiting by the time you get to the office.
27. Pour coffee.
28. Stare at inbox.
29. Go on Twitter to complain about your inbox.
30. Read blogs about others empathizing with your inbox problems.
31. Read on Twitter that EVERYONE IS MAD AT GMAIL! OMG THIS MUST BE THE PROBLEM! THE REASON WHY YOUR INBOX IS EMPTY! ALL THOSE FULL REQUESTS AND BOOK DEALS LOST IN CYPERSPACE!!
32. Shake your fist at the world.
33. Self-sympathize. The world is obviously against you and your literary genius.
34. Refresh Refresh Refresh.
35. Pour more coffee.
36. HATE YOUR WORK EMAIL FOR BEING SO FULL WHILST YOUR AUTHOR EMAIL IS SO NEGLECTED.
37. Realize you're jealous of all the other people in the office who don't have your problems.
38. Comfort yourself with the thought that once Gmail is fixed, all those Agent Offers will pour in.
39. Fantasize for a moment about the 15 Agents who will fight over you.
40. Remember you're supposed to be working.
41. Work a little.
42. Realize your coffee tastes like cold dirt.
43. Drink it anyway.
44. Answer a work email AND SEE SOMETHING FLASH OUT OF THE CORNER OF YOUR EYE AND NEARLY BREAK YOUR NECK as you try to check your Author email.
45. Nope. It was just a stupid advertisement blinking in the background.
46. Curse all things sparkly and shiny.
47. Think of Edward Cullen.
48. Remember Stephenie Meyer's success.
49. Cry a little.
50. Tweet about an empty inbox for sympathy.
51. No one @ replies you for comfort.
52. Feel all alone in this world.
53. Try to remember a time when you didn't care about your inbox so much.
55. Cry a little.
56. DECIDE WRITING IS NOT FOR YOU. BLINK AND REMEMBER YOU HAVE PARENTS/FRIENDS/LOVED ONES somewhere within a 5-10 mile radius and realize you haven't talked to them about normal human things in a LONG TIME.
57. Feel slightly liberated.
58. Begin to see the light.
59. Fantasize about giving up and being "normal". Maybe you'll go see a movie tonight. Call an old friend. Get dolled up for Chatroulette. THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT.
60. YOU'RE GOING TO BE SOMEBODY. MAYBE AN ASTRONAUT.
61. Writing isn't for everyone.
62. Besides, queries are hard.
63. You didn't even really care, ANYWAY.
65. Pretend not to care.
66. Pretend so hard you begin to believe it.
68. BREAK EVERY TENDON IN YOUR BODY AS YOU STRAIN TO CHECK YOUR EMAIL.
69. Heart racing a zillion times a minute.
70. Throat dry. Hands shaking.
71. It's not THIS GUY. It's not Borders. It's not a credit card bill.
72. CLICK OPEN.
73. Dear Bestie,Would love to take a look! Please feel free to send it along - electronic attachment would be great.
Best, Agent Awesome.
74. Cry a little.
75. Who are you kidding?
76. CRY A LOT.
77. Forget everything about friends, family, cats and Chatroulette.
78. YOU ARE A WRITER, DAMMIT.
79. YOU WILL NEVER GIVE UP.
80. YOU LIVE FOR THESE MOMENTS.
AND YOU'LL DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.
because one day that email will say "I love this! I'd like to talk about representation!"
REASON #9324837465 WHY YOU ARE AMAZING.