6.08.2010

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WRITER.


1. Wake up in the morning and check your email.

2. Greet your Significant Other/Cat/Dog/Armadillo.

3. Check your email again and then IMMEDIATELY refresh your inbox just in case you missed something.

4. Refresh one more time just to be absolutely sure!

5. Step away from your email for a moment only to glance back right before the screen is out of sight. You can never be too sure.

6. THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD SOMETHING THAT SOUNDED LIKE A PING AND RUN BACK TO YOUR EMAIL!

7. Disappointment.

8. Remember that your trusty Smart-Phone-of-Choice also houses your email!

9. Refresh Refresh Refresh.

10. Remember that you have to go to work.

11. Reluctantly step away from your inbox to change but run back every few seconds just to check. 

12. AN EMAIL OMG I ONLY STEPPED AWAY FOR A SECOND AND THERE IT IS!!

13. Gleefully open email!

14. DAMN YOU BORDERS IF YOU SEND ME ONE MORE EMAIL ABOUT THO-- Oh! It's a coupon! BUT STILL WHAT THE HELL BORDERS STOP TEASING ME.

15. Duck out remorsefully to brush your teeth or somesuch.

16. Realize you need to use the bathroom but consider abstaining so you may stay closer to your inbox.

17. Compromise by convincing yourself something magical will appear in your inbox during your absence.

18. Busy yourself with thoughts of MAGICAL emails appearing in your inbox whilst in a state of being-in-the-bathroom.

19. RUN BACK TO YOUR INBOX because it's been a WHOLE 5 MINUTES YES YOU COUNTED and expect to find yourself completely overwhelmed by the full requests/agent offers/book deals/free money/etc. that have been waiting ALL THIS TIME for the exact moment you take a 5-minute bathroom break to appear in your inbox. TRICKSY INBOX!

20. Feel your hopes and dreams COMPLETELY shattered because you built such high expectations for your return from the bathroom.

21. Click on the one email in your inbox.

22. It's from THIS GUY.

23. Consider breaking your computer.

24. DRIVE TO WORK AND THINK OF NOTHING BUT YOUR INBOX.

25. MENTALLY REFRESH YOUR INBOX.

26. Realize you've arrived at work and haven't checked your inbox ONCE, so surely there are hundreds waiting by the time you get to the office.

27. Pour coffee.

28. Stare at inbox.

29. Go on Twitter to complain about your inbox.

30. Read blogs about others empathizing with your inbox problems.

31. Read on Twitter that EVERYONE IS MAD AT GMAIL! OMG THIS MUST BE THE PROBLEM! THE REASON WHY YOUR INBOX IS EMPTY! ALL THOSE FULL REQUESTS AND BOOK DEALS LOST IN CYPERSPACE!!

32. Shake your fist at the world.

33. Self-sympathize. The world is obviously against you and your literary genius.

34. Refresh Refresh Refresh.

35. Pour more coffee.

36. HATE YOUR WORK EMAIL FOR BEING SO FULL WHILST YOUR AUTHOR EMAIL IS SO NEGLECTED.

37. Realize you're jealous of all the other people in the office who don't have your problems.

38. Comfort yourself with the thought that once Gmail is fixed, all those Agent Offers will pour in.

39. Fantasize for a moment about the 15 Agents who will fight over you.

40. Remember you're supposed to be working.

41. Work a little.

42. Realize your coffee tastes like cold dirt.

43. Drink it anyway.

44. Answer a work email AND SEE SOMETHING FLASH OUT OF THE CORNER OF YOUR EYE AND NEARLY BREAK YOUR NECK as you try to check your Author email.

45. Nope. It was just a stupid advertisement blinking in the background.

46. Curse all things sparkly and shiny.

47. Think of Edward Cullen.

48. Remember Stephenie Meyer's success.

49. Cry a little.

50. Tweet about an empty inbox for sympathy.

51. No one @ replies you for comfort.

52. Feel all alone in this world.

53. Try to remember a time when you didn't care about your inbox so much.

54. Can't.

55. Cry a little.

56. DECIDE WRITING IS NOT FOR YOU. BLINK AND REMEMBER YOU HAVE PARENTS/FRIENDS/LOVED ONES somewhere within a 5-10 mile radius and realize you haven't talked to them about normal human things in a LONG TIME.

57. Feel slightly liberated.

58. Begin to see the light.

59. Fantasize about giving up and being "normal". Maybe you'll go see a movie tonight. Call an old friend. Get dolled up for Chatroulette. THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT.

60. YOU'RE GOING TO BE SOMEBODY. MAYBE AN ASTRONAUT.

61. Writing isn't for everyone.

62. Besides, queries are hard.

63. You didn't even really care, ANYWAY. 

64. Yeah.

65. Pretend not to care.

66. Pretend so hard you begin to believe it.

67. PING.

68. BREAK EVERY TENDON IN YOUR BODY AS YOU STRAIN TO CHECK YOUR EMAIL.

69. Heart racing a zillion times a minute.

70. Throat dry. Hands shaking.

71. It's not THIS GUY. It's not Borders. It's not a credit card bill.

72. CLICK OPEN.

73. Dear Bestie,
Would love to take a look! Please feel free to send it along - electronic attachment would be great.
Best, Agent Awesome.

74. Cry a little.

75. Who are you kidding?

76. CRY A LOT.

77. Forget everything about friends, family, cats and Chatroulette.

78. YOU ARE A WRITER, DAMMIT. 

79. YOU WILL NEVER GIVE UP.

80. YOU LIVE FOR THESE MOMENTS.

AND YOU'LL DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

everyday.
everyday.
everyday.
everyday.

because one day that email will say "I love this! I'd like to talk about representation!" 

yup.
i promise.

REASON #9324837465 WHY YOU ARE AMAZING.

83 comments:

Amanda J. said...

:D YES!

Remilda Graystone said...

OH MY GOSH, this is EXACTLY what happens in my life!! Except, currently, my inbox is broken and doesn't ping. *sheds tear*

This was a hilarious post! I loved it. Definitely one of your best.

Mireyah Wolfe said...

I have not yet hit the Inbox Stage of the Writer's Life.

I can't wait to, though. *grin*

Mia said...

HAHAHAHA *chokes on tea that tastes slightly of dirt*

DUDE

YOU ARE AMAZING

I'LL BE HONEST, I SORT OF DO THIS ANYWAY. I'M NOT EVEN QUERYING. I JUST LIKE EMAILS.

DON'T JUDGE.

<3 <3 <3

*runs off to check gmail for funsies*

Claire Dawn said...

Man, I laughed out loud at #14. So, I'm not hte only on ethat Borders tricks! :)

Kate Hart said...

I lurve you.

Kari said...

Awesomesauce genius, you have broken my day up into exactly 80 accurate parts!!!

Or close to accurate. I'm too young for an office. But my bedroom feels the same way!!!

Nathan Bransford said...

Okay, so this is unbelievably spectacular.

Steph said...

this was AWESOME! So very true, and hilarious! Thank you! :)

middle grade ninja said...

I laughed until I cried. Great post! I find playing video games between inbox refreshings takes the edge off a little. I can't will emails to come when I want them, but I can save the princess and it endows with a sense of accomplishment:)I might not be famous in the world of publishing yet, but my name is known far and wide throughout the Mushroom Kingdom.

Clara said...

Oh hail yes girl! Right on!

Bethany Elizabeth said...

OH MY GOODNESS Firstly I'd like to say I totally posted a blog about why people are amazing and had like magicgazillion numbers and I wrote it last night. So you can't think I copied you? Actually, you can think I copied you if you want to, but I pinky promise I didn't. :)
NEXTLY! hehe I loved this post - especially about the email. That's like... exactly how it is! *Mentally refresh your inbox* made me laugh tons. :)
OH, and I had a random thought on your blogoversary, but I'd already commented and gotten off of blogger so I'll tell you now if that's okay?
Okay, so you've got like 500 followers, yes? And you haven't had that many the entire time, but you've had lots of followers! Think of how many smiles you make EVERY day! 500 smiles a day! And for three months? That's like, thousands of smiles!! You could rule the world with that!
SMILES!!!
And giggles, lots of giggles. :D

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Haha. Swap out the coffee for tea and I think you were spying on me. :)

Al said...

thank goodness my smart phone is dead. I have had to go back to my "stupid" (old) phone, which is a relief really.

Christi Goddard said...

This is me, verbatim, except it's B&N that email me, not Borders. Damn them and their temptress ways (I've decided they're all women).

Theresa Milstein said...

That form rejection link has been one of my favorites. In fact, I may cut and paste it to reply the next time I receive one of those e-mails.

I'm about to begin the query process again, so I'm "looking forward" with becoming obsessed with my inbox again.

aLmYbNeNr said...

LOL I love it!

Bee said...

*laughs*
*falls outta chair*
*chokes*
*grabs water*
*chokes on water*
*dies laughing*

Adventures in Children's Publishing said...

Tahereh, hysterical! I'm #16. Thanks for keeping it real! We're linking you for Friday, like it or not :)

p.s. You ARE a prize for our contest, and in life in general!

Marissa

Sajidah said...

Omgosh, this is me! :D, loved it.

Vicki Rocho said...

Hahahaha. Sometimes I have to look at the clock when I check email so I don't check it again 30 seconds later. I like to stay current!

Piedmont Writer said...

It's kind of like this but not. I don't drink coffee but I do check the damn e-mail 497 times a day. From your keyboard to God's ears #72 - 80!

Alison Stevens said...

OMG, this was fantastic!

I'm in the avoiding-email-so-I-can-write phase (otherwise, I get sucked into the email/social networking vortex), but I hope this stage isn't too far off. :D

Meredith said...

#46-49: Happens to me every day.

Such a frustrating schedule, but so true! Thanks for the encouragement :)

Simon C. Larter said...

I don't have a smartphone. *sobs*

I think I need a hug. Send vodka. And possibly Meghan Fox.

Heather said...

I don't even have queries out yet and I already obsessively check my emails.

It will only get worse from here. Ugh.

Bryan Russell (Ink) said...

I think it's a little spooky that you're filming me without my knowledge. Please stop.

Though I should mention that I've now read 1984! So we can be besties again. Once you stop filming me, that is.

Regina said...

It's posts like these that make me look at the blogs everyday. You were blessed with creative spontaneous spunk that puts a smile on my face everyday when I read one of your posts.

You have caught the essence of all of the writer's who have queried with the hopes for success. Except I don't think of Edward. I am team Jacob..Sorry Hee Hee.(Puppy dog eyes get me every time.)

Keep it up girl, I love being one of your besties and support your journey. You have come a long way and hope you have great success. *fingers crossed*

I'll be back to read and support some more. Remember..take care of you.

Jaydee Morgan said...

So this is what I have to look forward to? For some reason though, I think it will be spot on - at least I won't think I'm crazy ;) - or at least, not the only one.

Alyson Greene said...

Bestie,
I think you forgot a few steps:

Obssessively stalk agent blogs and tweets to see if they're on vacation or make some vague reference to a submission that COULD be yours

Hang out on agents' threads on AW Write. Refresh, refresh.

Cry A LOT when you see the agent who has your manuscript just offered representation to a 17-year-old who sent in her pages a month after you did.

Email your author account from your work account just to make sure it's working.

Jonathon Arntson said...

A) How did you know I have an armadillo? I am guessing you also know its name is Dog.

B) This is spectacular!

C) This is incredible

D) I may be peeing my pants.

erinjade said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
erinjade said...

i laughed out loud reading this, because it describes my life for the past week to a T.

thanks for the break, now i have to go check my email!

Matthew Rush said...

80? Does it make me as crazy - er I mean awesome - as you are if have done every single one of those 80 things at one point?

The best solution (for me) to this conundrum has been blogging and all the wonderful BESTIES! i have met because of it.

Thanks for all you do my little best TH!

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I've solved the problem of the empty inbox when I start querying again. All my blog comments go there. So my inbox is filled with love whenever I refresh it. I won't even notice the messages from the agents 'cause I'll be basking in the love from my followers. :D

Did I ever tell you I'm a genious?

katelovesbooks said...

I wonder why that sounds so familiar.... :) Thank you for this. It made me smile.

Erica Chapman said...

Very cool. I can just imagine that's how I'm going to be... if I could finish this darn revision!! Thanks for always posting such encouraging stuff ;o)

Lisa Gail Green said...

You know, Miss I love Apple products, you can set up your mail account to automatically download and check your gmail account every minute. I'm just sayin'...

Erica Mitchell-Spickard said...

*laughing* I'm not in the query stage but I will HAVE to remember this when I get there. I'm sure the days will be the same. Actually excited for the uncertainty of the query process.

Mayowa said...

Great post.

I almost spilled my cold dirt at "get dolled up for chatroulette"

Ellen said...

This. Is so true.
Except for there are also daily emails from Publisher's Lunch that make you die a little inside reading about 30 gazillion dollar book deals, or whatever <.<

Laura Marcella said...

I wanted to be an astronaut once. But my abysmal math and science skills dashed that idea. Writing seemed much better. But my empty inbox is beginning to dash that dream, too! Thankfully, there are blogs like yours with incredible posts that inspire, motivate, and encourage. Thaaank youuu, bestieee!!!!!

Reana said...

This was freakin awesome:) you just explained the total insanity of a writer/ hopeless and waiting for the inbox gods to call your name.
Love this post,

M.J. Horton said...

Bestie, you are spying on me. Definitely. *looks out window*

This is amazing!
<333

Melody (frmrly: Jane Harmony) said...

This was great, Tahereh. :)
For a second, I thought you were referring to how I write...
I was going to tell you the sequence of my writing day, but I think I'll save it for my own blog post haha. It got too long for a comment.

Marsha Sigman said...

Do you have some sort of spycam watching me?

JEM said...

If you were an enchilada, I would cover you in AWESOMESAUCE.

Also: I don't think you truly capture the desperation of this process :)

Sumayyah said...

you just described my day. except, i havent gotten to #72 yet. ONE DAY. :p

Caitlin R. O'Connell said...

Haha! Substitute school for work, tea for coffee, and plain ol' email for pings, and that is absolutely my life. Wow.

*cheers Tahereh's brilliance*

A Pen In Neverland: Angela Peña Dahle said...

Beautiful hope. Thanks a million! Forward, march!

Jill Wheeler said...

So. So. True.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Very amusing!
I have to admit though, I'm bad about checking my email. I do try to keep up with my blog. Hope I don't get that bad though!

Jck said...

YES! *sobbing ... a lot* YES! One day!!!! damit!

Lydia Kang said...

So funny. I guess OCD is a writer's requirement. It seems to be for me too.
:)

yachicka said...

Loved this!! Thank you!
Off to tweet about empty inbox...

Bella said...

OMG!!! This is an excellent post :D

So Freaking True, LOL!

Natalie Murphy said...

LMAO! This made my day.

Btw, my word verification is Frodo. Just thought I'd share ;)

Jaleh D said...

Bwahahahaha! Oh my. *wipes tears* hehehe. Love it!

Dorothy Dreyer said...

If this were a poster I'd hang it above my bed! Love it!

in which a girl reads said...

Funny and so very true XD

<33

Ann Marie Wraight said...

BLIMEY - FLIPPIN BRILLIANT

L O L !!!

Karen Yuan said...

Dangit, you are like FIREWORKS, girl. I love this. I love you. :D

<332134975348753

MBW aka Olleymae said...

uh...I thought I left a comment and I went to check all the other funny comments and i couldn't find mine. Is mine the deleted one??? Did I say something wrong??? Maybe it was the frappe playing with my head???

Anyways. Yes. This is so (unfortunately) true. :)

Vatche said...

Wow, really hilarious post and I laughed through the whole thing.

"Refresh. Refresh. Refresh."

I do that with my blog all the time to see if any new comments popped up. Thank you for lightening up my day. Write on!

Brandi G. said...

You had me until number 73. This is my version:

73. Dear [Author] (OMG they personalized!)
We are sorry to inform you that, while [title] was interesting, we are not excited about it enough to take it on at this time (i.e. You suck! Muahahahaha). We wish you the best of luck submitting elsewhere. (You're going to need it!)
Regards, [Agent of Your Dreams Who Just Squashed Them]

74. Cry and shake fist!

75. Try again.

76. Keep muttering THE NEXT AGENT WILL LOVE ME.

77. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Candyland said...

I don't know how I missed this, but I needed it today. Thanks, love.
xoxo

Amalia T. said...

This is SO ME today!

hahaha!

Thanks for writing this! You are Awesome!!!

Patty Blount said...

Wow. This is exactly how my day goes, even the Edward Cullen part (though it's actually Robert Pattinson that I... er, never mind.)

Sarah Callejo said...

I couldn't help nodding and smiling down the list. As everyone else has said, it's a fantastic post.

pensees said...

Absolutely loved it! Especially the part about "self-sympathizing". I have so been there! :)

Cyndi
ctefft.blogspot.com

Lyn Miller-Lachmann said...

Wait till your book comes out and you're waiting for reviews, blog features (hello, Google Alerts), awards committees to post their decisions, etc.

February Grace said...

Ugh, 42 and 43 are my life. This is scary brilliant.

Julie Musil said...

Oh, how we can relate! If I were admitting this obsession to anyone but writers, I'd feel pathetic. But here, I feel all warm and fuzzy!

Levonne said...

You go Tahereh! Very clever.

Jane Rutherford said...

This is the most brilliant thing since the invention of coffee. HONESTLY.

But totally not true. Since, you know... I don't check my inbox at all. It can go unchecked for days at a time! /goes to check the inbox.

Conor Neill said...

This resonates. I feel better. I am not the only one with a love hate relationship with my email (and twitter, and facebook...)

Mandy and Suzy said...

I cried a little. OH GOD. Reading this from the other side of the query wars is.... oh god. I remember this. I'm crying.

Why again? Why do we do it? OH! Because we have to. CRAZY SHIZZLE this bizzle.

Suzy

Kate Larkindale said...

Yep. This is my life. So hard to actually focus on my job when I know my real work is out there on someone's desk and the next query they read might be mine!

So glad to know I'm not alone here....

Deb said...

Um....yup. That pretty much covers it, lololololol!!

Rachel Starr Thomson said...

"46. Curse all things sparkly and shiny.

47. Think of Edward Cullen.

48. Remember Stephenie Meyer's success.

49. Cry a little."

That absolutely rocks.

Jan Markley said...

I wrote a post about a good and bad day in the life of a writer. Included sasquatching oneself, sour jujubes and sushi!

tammi sauer said...

Bravo!

Loved this so much I cried a little.

Izbit said...

I'm currently looking up a day in the life of a writer for a school project about prospective carreers and judging by the amount of procrastinating it takes to be succesful I'm sure I'll be the next J.K Rowling. This is freaking hilarious by the way. I'll totally mention the importance of email-checking in my essay XD

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