5.06.2010

FORM REJECTION.

omg!
BESTIES!! 
I'VE RECEIVED A QUERY LETTER!! 
--------
From: Mr. Ben Mark 
To: Undisclosed Recipients
Date: Tue, May 4, 2010 at 5:26 PM
Subject: Second Notice!

Greetings,

I understand that through Internet is not the best way to link up with you because of the confidentiality which my proposal demands.

However, I have already sent you this same letter one month ago,but I am not sure if it did get to you since I have not heard from you, hence i am constrain to reach you through the Internet which has been abused over the years.

I wish to notify you again that You were listed as a Heir to the total sum of (Three Million Six Hundred Thousand British Pounds) in the codicil and last testament of the deceased.(Name now withheld since this is our second letter to you). We contacted you because you bear the surname identity and therefore can present you as the Heir to the inheritance funds.

Please indicate your interest immediately for us to proceed. I shall feed you with full details of this transaction upon receipt of your reply towards this proposal.

All the legal papers will be processed in your acceptance. In your acceptance of this deal, we request that you kindly forward to us your letter of acceptance; your current telephone and fax numbers and a forwarding address to enable us file necessary documents at our high court probate division for the release of this sum of money.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Mr. Ben Mark (Barrister) 
Telephone +447024095765
--------
unfortunately:

PROBLEM #1
: not addressed properly. 

PROBLEM #2 : written in first person.
PROBLEM #3 : too many typos.
PROBLEM #4 : too much telling, not enough showing.
PROBLEM #5 : we know nothing about the protagonist.
PROBLEM #6 : this is a RE-query.
PROBLEM #7 : improper capitalization in a business letter.
PROBLEM #8 : improper usage of semicolons & commas.

PROBLEM #9 : insufficient contact information.
PROBLEM #10 : WHERE ARE YOUR SAMPLE PAGES?!

MY RESPONSE:

Dear Mr. Mark,

Thank you so much for your query. 

Unfortunately, this project doesn’t sound right for me. I encourage you to continue to submit elsewhere, and I wish you every success in your writing career.

Thanks again for thinking of me.

Cordially,

T. H. Mafi
 
sorry Mr. Mark. 

but this is a form rejection.

hearts!


41 comments:

Claire Dawn said...

Ha! Loving that query! I love your style. Can't wait for your book.

Bethany Elizabeth said...

From now on, I shall reply to all of my emails as if they were queries. :) You've an awesomeness inspirer! Yay! And I can't wait to read a snippet! :)
(And at least he included contact information! That's good at least. Apparently, queries need that.)

Hannah said...

Haha! is playing at being the Rejectionist as fun as it looks? you analyzed the query very thoroughly and your rejection was without a doubt very polite and to the point. brilliant! lol

Theresa Milstein said...

I just received a similar query yesterday, but had no idea it was a query. I've ignored all of these types of requests and now realize I'M one of those agents who just tramples on the dreams of wannabe published writers, waiting for a letter that will never come.

You were very kind and fair in your assessment. This has been a learning experience for the writer, I'm sure.

I checked out the link and commented.

Simon C. Larter said...

I'm not special enough to inherit large sums of money from undisclosed bajillionaires. I mean, I was, but I haven't been contacted by the lawyers in ages. Now the only queries I get are ones asking me to buy pills, and those DEFINITELY get the form rejection.

MissV said...

LOVE the rejection!

When I get phishing emails, I fill out their forms with complete garbage. I make up account names and numbers just to screw with them. Might not be able to stop them, but hopefully if we give them enough garbage we can slow them down a bit!

Matthew Rush said...

I'm not sure if it is really fair for one person to be so funny. Boy do you make me laugh though.

Oh yeah, and Ink rocks!

Aubrie said...

Very funny! I get those letters as well. I guess I'm a bad literary agent, because I don't ever reply!

Ink said...

It's up! All the besties can now read your flash fiction-y excerpt. Chock full of nutrients and awesome! Good for the whole family.

And here I thought putting it up at 7:30 was early. Do you people sleep? Are all the besties actually some sort of alien cyborgs secretly taking over the earth? Using those extra hours of night to work work work and push yourselves ahead of us weak and fleshy mortals? I fear you all.

Jen said...

Hehe I love your rejection, very well done!

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

too funny!!! love it!

Candyland said...

That was a brilliant excerpt (via the link)! Loved it, you beautiful thing, you.

Amie B said...

that was fantastic! LOVE it!

Mia said...

Please, I would definitely send a form rejection for abusing the semi-colon system too.

I have a friend who can't seem to grasp the concept of paragraphs *sighs* I don't reply like this but I really should :P It drives me bonkers.

Oh no! It appears that I have become a grammar freak *HEADDESK*

Pam Harris said...

LOL. Please tell me you actually sent that rejection. :)

Sugar said...

That was awesome!
Loved your snipsy!

Erica Chapman said...

Hilarious! Loved your story ;o)

Marsha Sigman said...

I think I have gotten that same query!!

Loved your piece over at Ink's, it was awesome but I expected no less!

Jaydee Morgan said...

That gave me a good laugh this morning - what a response!

And enjoyed your flash - well done :)

Christine Fonseca said...

HA! Love it!

lakeviewer said...

I can't stop laughing!

Dawn said...

Truly brilliant. I laughed out loud. Several times.

Crimey said...

You're a genius :)

Dawn said...

PS - I tagged you today :-P (Your fault for being so awesome.)

Adventures in Children's Publishing said...

This is going in our blog tomorrow. You are so funny.
And who knew that junk mail was actually an opportunity for writers to revenge themselves on an unsuspecting public?

Janet Johnson said...

Love it!

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Haha. Loved the post.:)

Tracy said...

I'd love to see what you'd do with the Viagra junk emails! ;o)

Elaine AM Smith said...

How annoying to get one of those scam letters: I feel for the world's trusting souls who fall for that kind of approach. Those least skilled often get hurt the most. It is so wrong.
Unlike your writing which is so right! Powerful stuff, Tahereh.

Shelley Sly said...

HAHA! Love it, as always!

Jenn Johansson said...

Dear T:

I hope you do not mind, but I am henceforth going to be using your form rejection letter to respond to every e-mail from anyone I don't particularly want to talk to.

Much love,
Jenn ;)

Jemi Fraser said...

Love it :)

Laura Marcella said...

Hahaha, sooo funny! I wouldn't mind receiving a form rejection from you, though. :)

Awesome story. Your voice and style drew me in immediately. Can't wait to read your novel!

Sierra Godfrey said...

I just peed my pants at that.

angelwingsbaka said...

After reading this, I have an immense desire to send you a make-believe query... I think I will.

As for your writing! I have to say... That I loathed those "back packs" as a child. Loathed them like a dog going to the vet. No one likes thermometers up their tush. Or being chained by stuffed animals. >_>

Nadine said...

LOL - This cracked me up!!

SonshineMusic i.e. Rebecca T. said...

That was too hysterical! You cruel soul sending out a form rejection. tsk tsk :)

Medeia Sharif said...

Funny. This is a hilarious take on a scam.

Christina Lee said...

hahahahahaha--I've been dying to post one of these on my blog--you beat me to the punch--awesome!!!!!!

Glynis said...

Lol, you made my day with this one!

AchingHope said...

Ahahahaha... He really should've watched it with the grammar errors. For a moment there, I thought he might have a chance ;)

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